The Lost World (1997) - by J. Molotov

The only reason I am even bringing up this movie is because it was raining AGAIN (this was during the rained-out June 2009) and I don’t have cable. So I was flicking channels and this monstrosity was on Telemundo. It doesn’t even matter that I was watching it in Spanish, it’s that bad.

First of all, you should know that I have probably seen Jurassic Park more times than any other movie. If you have ever been drunk with me at my house at like 2 in the morning, you’d know this, because for some reason at that point in the night I always think it’s a great idea to watch a 2 hour and 7 minute long movie about dinosaurs and seriously expect people to pay rapt attention to it. I haven’t tried to review it yet because it is too big, too close. I would end up writing a dissertation on it. One thing I have to say about Jurassic Park, however, is that a large part of its visual success was the sparing use of CGI.

In 1993, CGI was not yet being widely used in Hollywood. Its most prominent and proficient use at that point had been 1991’s Terminator 2. Many consider Jurassic Park to be the landmark film for CGI, after which special effects were never the same. It has gone on to increasing popularity and usage in film because it makes feasible the creation of images that would otherwise be impossible using other technologies. However, an unfortunate result of its proliferation has been that it has prompted many directors to take the cheaper and easier route of CGI and entirely ignore other technologies that still have merit. In Jurassic Park, Spielberg creatively combined many technologies to create his dinosaurs, with a vision toward portraying them as animals rather than monsters, including a CGI, animatronics (most notably in the form of a 20-foot-tall animatronic T. Rex), and even men in Velociraptor suits. And you know what, after 16 years, this movie still looks fucking fantastic.

The Lost World, however, only 12 years old, did not age nearly as gracefully. The use of CGI is far more widespread in this movie than in Jurassic Park, and it really suffers for it. Instead of being a new technology that could expand the capabilities of storytelling, CGI became the quick and easy way out. Whipping up some raptors on the computer seems so much sexier, faster, and less clumsy than having people dressed in raptor suits, but it resulted in the loss of immediacy, the loss of real suspense. The damn dinosaurs aren’t scary. They aren’t even in the same world as the people they’re chasing, and it’s obvious. The use of CGI wasn’t the problem, it was the inelegant use of it that resulted in a lack of attention to detail that went into making the first movie so convincing.

The use of this easy way out also resulted in the atrophy of other aspects of the film. The computer images moved to the forefront and everything else suffered, including the plot. The Lost World was a really good book. Of course it didn’t live up to Jurassic Park, but it was a totally justified and well-done literary sequel. The movie version is a train wreck.

P.S. At the end, a T. Rex attacks San Diego. No joke.

The Hangover (2009) - by Joan de Newyark

Dear Will Ferrell,

For obvious reasons you should have been in The Hangover, this summer's funniest movie to bust the block so far. (An opinion not necessarily backed by RAW). And we all know you turned down the 20 million dollar offer (a fact not backed by anything) to be in Land Before Time or is it Land of the Lost and not The Hangover. We see reports you were paid 20,000,000 for Talladega Nights, Bewitched, and Kicking and Screaming. AND reportedly in 2001 you became the highest paid SNL cast member with a season salary of $350K.

Well, Will, are you embarrassed that the movie you chose to star in this summer sucks? Opening on the same night and looking at numbers pulling up the first 2 weeks Land of the Lost brings in a mere 35 Mil compared to The Hangover 105 million. I'm on your side Will, I'm SO tired of hearing the phrase "in this economy."

You could have been ANY character in The Hangover and we would have loved you. Are you so afraid of our love? Do you see yourself as such an outsider you couldn't even imagine yourself in a movie about a trio of friends, in which if you make it out alive you go from "zero to hero"? *** Oh wait! That IS the movie you chose! You chose alternate universe over Vegas, you chose redneck survivalist over stripper, you chose a pirate friend over a friend with a vintage Mercedes convertible, you chose dinosaurs over tigers owned by Mike Tyson! Silly Will Ferrell, I think you might have missed out on some fun!

***Yes, I did look up your movie on IMDB because after having watch the preview 5 times l was still a little fuzzy about the plot line.***

Wait, Will, have you not heard of The Hangover? Ok- I will explain the plot to you- Basically there is a guy who is about to get married. That's it and it is HILARIOUS!

You could have played the groom but he is really not in the movie that much. You see he gets locked on a roof- oops that might have spoiled the movie for you but it is hilarious how the bachelor weekend is retraced in a hazy roofies-infused lack of memory.

You could have played the angry mobster Mr. Chow- Ken Jeong really is the go-to Asian in comedies these days- Knocked Up, Pineapple Express, hey you know him (!)... you were in Step Brothers with him! I think he is really small and I kind of wondered if he was a woman so that made it funny but I am sure you could have pulled it off. At one point when he pulled his pants down everyone was laughing in the theater and I seriously had to ask my friend next to me if he did not have a penis. It is funny though how the producer for The Hangover also produced Old School. I wonder why you guys don't like each other?

Actually the more i think about it you could have been the too-pretty fiance. Sasha Barrese was a little unconvincing; her long brown hair and skin were perfect, ya know like the all too typical bride in the wedding section of the New York Times. It would have been funnier if she was played by you. I think we all would have been a little more invested in the plot if we knew all the bachelors were trying to find the groom to get him home to marry you. And especially in the end, it could have been better if you lived happily ever after with Justin Bartha rather than a pretty face with slick hair.

I am really happy for Zach Galifianakis and I thought his performance really shined in The Hangover. You couldn't have stolen his role. Maybe your friend Danny McBride - the survivalist in what is it...Land Before Time? Maybe you didn't take the role in The Hangover because you only want to be with Danny. Now I get it! I did love your HBO series East Bound and Down with McBride in which you sported a fantastic white wig. Are you guys dating?

By the way, how is Pearl? OMG, she is adorable. I was wondering maybe you didn't want this role in The Hangover because their was another baby in it? Would Pearl be jealous? I know you probably would not want to smell like other babies and go home to her. I am sure she would ring you out. I think the baby (or multiple babies) they chose for The Hangover was fantastic, even the plastic stand-in was great. It really pulled in the female crowd ya know? Especially the movie posters with the baby sporting the over sized celeb glasses- i mean come on! HOT! You have to admit that baby was hot. I just might say with a small amount of CGI you might have been able to play the baby- I'm just putting that out there. Or maybe you shouldn't let Baby Pearl run your life.

Regardless, we forgive you. We miss you. It really would be nice to see you in a movie this summer because heaven knows I not going to see your adventure flick at the theater. And I really don't think you are a money grubber, just remind me to not bet on the same horse as you next year when we go the Kentucky Derby again together.