The Hangover (2009) - by Joan de Newyark

Dear Will Ferrell,

For obvious reasons you should have been in The Hangover, this summer's funniest movie to bust the block so far. (An opinion not necessarily backed by RAW). And we all know you turned down the 20 million dollar offer (a fact not backed by anything) to be in Land Before Time or is it Land of the Lost and not The Hangover. We see reports you were paid 20,000,000 for Talladega Nights, Bewitched, and Kicking and Screaming. AND reportedly in 2001 you became the highest paid SNL cast member with a season salary of $350K.

Well, Will, are you embarrassed that the movie you chose to star in this summer sucks? Opening on the same night and looking at numbers pulling up the first 2 weeks Land of the Lost brings in a mere 35 Mil compared to The Hangover 105 million. I'm on your side Will, I'm SO tired of hearing the phrase "in this economy."

You could have been ANY character in The Hangover and we would have loved you. Are you so afraid of our love? Do you see yourself as such an outsider you couldn't even imagine yourself in a movie about a trio of friends, in which if you make it out alive you go from "zero to hero"? *** Oh wait! That IS the movie you chose! You chose alternate universe over Vegas, you chose redneck survivalist over stripper, you chose a pirate friend over a friend with a vintage Mercedes convertible, you chose dinosaurs over tigers owned by Mike Tyson! Silly Will Ferrell, I think you might have missed out on some fun!

***Yes, I did look up your movie on IMDB because after having watch the preview 5 times l was still a little fuzzy about the plot line.***

Wait, Will, have you not heard of The Hangover? Ok- I will explain the plot to you- Basically there is a guy who is about to get married. That's it and it is HILARIOUS!

You could have played the groom but he is really not in the movie that much. You see he gets locked on a roof- oops that might have spoiled the movie for you but it is hilarious how the bachelor weekend is retraced in a hazy roofies-infused lack of memory.

You could have played the angry mobster Mr. Chow- Ken Jeong really is the go-to Asian in comedies these days- Knocked Up, Pineapple Express, hey you know him (!)... you were in Step Brothers with him! I think he is really small and I kind of wondered if he was a woman so that made it funny but I am sure you could have pulled it off. At one point when he pulled his pants down everyone was laughing in the theater and I seriously had to ask my friend next to me if he did not have a penis. It is funny though how the producer for The Hangover also produced Old School. I wonder why you guys don't like each other?

Actually the more i think about it you could have been the too-pretty fiance. Sasha Barrese was a little unconvincing; her long brown hair and skin were perfect, ya know like the all too typical bride in the wedding section of the New York Times. It would have been funnier if she was played by you. I think we all would have been a little more invested in the plot if we knew all the bachelors were trying to find the groom to get him home to marry you. And especially in the end, it could have been better if you lived happily ever after with Justin Bartha rather than a pretty face with slick hair.

I am really happy for Zach Galifianakis and I thought his performance really shined in The Hangover. You couldn't have stolen his role. Maybe your friend Danny McBride - the survivalist in what is it...Land Before Time? Maybe you didn't take the role in The Hangover because you only want to be with Danny. Now I get it! I did love your HBO series East Bound and Down with McBride in which you sported a fantastic white wig. Are you guys dating?

By the way, how is Pearl? OMG, she is adorable. I was wondering maybe you didn't want this role in The Hangover because their was another baby in it? Would Pearl be jealous? I know you probably would not want to smell like other babies and go home to her. I am sure she would ring you out. I think the baby (or multiple babies) they chose for The Hangover was fantastic, even the plastic stand-in was great. It really pulled in the female crowd ya know? Especially the movie posters with the baby sporting the over sized celeb glasses- i mean come on! HOT! You have to admit that baby was hot. I just might say with a small amount of CGI you might have been able to play the baby- I'm just putting that out there. Or maybe you shouldn't let Baby Pearl run your life.

Regardless, we forgive you. We miss you. It really would be nice to see you in a movie this summer because heaven knows I not going to see your adventure flick at the theater. And I really don't think you are a money grubber, just remind me to not bet on the same horse as you next year when we go the Kentucky Derby again together.