Premium Rush (2012) - by French Stewart

In a surprise move, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, star of the much anticipated film Premium Rush, has refused to challenge allegations that he engaged in doping for his role.  When asked to affirm or deny the charges, Gordon-Levitt abstrusely answered, "Look, people are gonna talk - I'm not Heath Ledger."  Though very likely referring to the late actor's death from overdose, Gordon-Levitt unintentionally sent a shiver of girlish giggles through the assembled crowd of entertainment reporters promised free drinks, with one journalist snarkily shouting from the back of the Howard Johnson lobby, "Yeah, no shit 3rd rock!"  

At that well-timed (and well-delivered) sarcasm, the half dozen men of letters representing TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, and The Paris Review erupted into raucous laughter, forcing the young actor to seek refuge in his entourage - Unfortunately, Joseph Gordon-Levitt does not himself have an entourage of hangers-on as he is, himself, a member of several entourages belonging to much more famous celebrities.  Realizing this, Gordon-Levitt began frantically scrolling through his cell phone for the number of Leonardo Di Caprio, but soon stopped, having remembered that Leo blocked his number on account of the numerous drunk dials and late-night booty calls - The sting of their last exchange still pains the star of Angels in the Outfield: "Damnit, Joey, you’re no longer that ambiguous, brunette-Taylor Hanson anymore – I don’t wanna pound Billy Crystal; you get it, right? ” 

With no options available, Gordon-Levitt sat down at the HOJO bar, ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, and fielded questions from the now collected and composed entertainment reporters: "Joseph Gordon-Levine, how would you describe Premium Rush for someone who, let's say, doesn't want to blow his money on a movie he's certain sucks hairy ball sack; I mean really just sucks the junk - How would you describe your movie to this person?" Considering the question, Gordon-Levitt thoughtfully replied for this reviewer, "It's like Speed.  Yeah, it's like Speed; Speed meets The Transporter.  It's like Speed meets The Transporter meets...My Dinner with Andre... or maybe Muriel's Wedding... but definitely like Speed."