Clash of the Titans (1981) - by Dr. Dopplepoplous

Remember the film Jason and the Argonauts?

Me neither.

But I think there was a some sort of giant robot-like creature that rises out of the ocean at one point and I don't mean the Kraken from the Clash of Titans. (see picture above)

Clash of the Titans is an amazing movie about the story of Perseus and Pegasus. It is one of the only PG-rated movies with National Geographic-styled nudity; there is a breast-feeding clip at the beginning. It stars two female modern-day Grandma Melts: Maggie Smith and Ursula Andress, two diametrically different actresses whose physicality vectors fused at Clash of the Titans. Smith started out as a personified Droopy, became a hairless nun with The Color Purple and is now a witch. While Andress, initially as Betty Boop, made even the gayest drool with her Monty Norman's "Underneath the Mango Tree" entrance in Dr. No; Boop spiraled to join the groupe des Droop at the Clash of the Titans.

To digress further, Lawrence Olivier as Zeus has a great model Colosseum where he pits statues of people against each other in the center. At one point, he turns a guy into a minotaur with fresh new horns and tail. The minotaur then goes on to rule a marsh near the city of Joppa, and steals the out-of-body experience soul of Princess Andromeda. If this wasn't enough, the minotaur makes her soul ride in a little human cage carried by a giant thunderbird.

Perseus, who grows up from the suckling child to the young buck of Joppa, is enamored with Princess Andromeda. Creepily, Perseus stalks Andromeda and one night sees her soul being carried away by the giant bird in a cage. Of course, his next thought is "I best get a flying horse to follow that ghost being carried by a mythical bird." In the midst of all the fanfare, Athena sends Perseus a gold robot owl who makes annoying noises similar to those water whistles children buy. The robot owl, referred to as "Mr. Puddles," helps Perseus find a flying horse. Grand Pegasus, the last of his kind because he ate all of the other flying horses and ponies, is captured by Perseus who uses the beast to follow the thunder spirit delivery bird. Pegasus doesn't like marshes, but reluctantly pilots Perseus to visit the minotaur. Perseus, the peeping-Tom that he is, spies on a secret bog ceremony and chops one of the minotaur's hands off.

Feeling great after creating an amputee, Perseus rides Pegasus to the Gorgon Medusa's island lair. It should be mentioned that Mr. Puddles has been trying his best to keep up with Pegasus and Perseus this entire time, getting lost in the marsh kingdom for a bit and surviving on snails and mites. Finally, all three meet up on at Medusa's and decide that it would be best to decapitate her. Pegasus hates the Gorgon ever since she foaled him. Deciding to fuck his past and future, Pegasus helps Perseus and Puddles battle stop-motion skeletons before Perseus cuts off Medusa's namesake. High from the carnage and cocaine that Mr. Puddles scored en route to the Gorgon's, the three camp out on their way back to Joppa. Peyote is passed around as they sing songs from Americana by the fire, Medusa's head in a burlap sack hanging from a tree. Be it drug-induced delusion or that bitch's perseverance, Medusa's blood manages to turn into more stop-motion creatures; this time, they are giant scorpions. If this wasn't enough for the trio to handle, the one-handed minotaur and his marsh minions arrive to settle the score. The minotaur is poisoned by a scorpion as the three escape with the Gorgon's head.

In the meantime, Andromeda's soul returns to her body and the townsfolk of Joppa decide to sacrifice her body to the Kraken. Perseus, Pegasus and Puddles arrive just in time. As the Kraken gets ready to taste Andromeda, Perseus uses the Gorgon to turn the Kraken into stone.

Perseus marries Andromeda. Mr. Puddles gets use to life in the marsh and has a fleeting relationship with the thunderbird. Embittered and blood-thirsty as ever, Pegasus flies to the criminal island of Australia and awaits the birth of Ross Ryan, determined to plague his existence.