"This Bond has club cred..."
My sister, my mother, and I are sitting around the formal dining room table in Virginia - passing a jar of homemade hooch the night after Thanksgiving. Daniel Craig is sprawled out on the table and we are admiring his abs, piecing together each muscle connecting the untamable and the delicious. Damn. Is it wrong for a 17 year old and a 58 year old, sitting over leftover turkey, to both be hot for Daniel Craig?
My sister has reset her dating standards based on the new Bond movie- Quantum of Solace. She wants to waltz into our parents suburban home on Christmas Eve with not one but two Bond look a-likes on either arm. Suits for sure, the type that hug in the right places, skinny dark tie, impeccable driving hands wrapped around her waist, eyes that will lick and stab in the same glance. "From now on, no one I will date will be any less than Bond". She has 1 month to do this and it will be difficult because this Bond is different from the rest.
This bond has club cred- yes, you heard me, I can see Daniel Craig's Bond grinding dirty in the back of a dark bar on the lower east side. Its sweaty, its sultry, its salty. He leaves without saying goodbye. Only this Bond jumps on his motorcycle, shoots up to the upper east side, does some dirty work in some white lace restaurant without leaving a trace, walks out the front, hails a cab (because his bike blows up) and gets back in time to finish grinding to same dirty song he left on and the women are never mad. Why? They all are having his baby. We are all preg with Craig.
Bond is all about his baby's mamma. No way? Yes way. It is the underlining motive in the entire movie. You will only see him once with his shirt off- rare compared to the last film. You never actually see him doing even an itty bitty bit of bang bang, but you see him seem to care. Bond has emotion! Hello? Bond is so coming to grips with a baby bond about to enter the world. He totally wants to train a bond baby- he is feeling lonely, old, tired, bored and he wants a mini.
NO HE IS NOT. He is feeling incredibly hot as shit, a fucking machine, a magnet for the insane, the luscious, the wet...and one just happened to get knocked up and now he may have to stuff her in a ball gown and drown her in tears, she is such a nag but the bond baby is cool. A project, right Bond?
Did all those sexy push ups bring trouble or a frigging rocking sequel?
Not that I ever want to see Bond with a baby strapped to his front in an ergonomic organic carrier that only comes in neutral colors and will do nothing for the baby's ego while making him resemble a mashed cranberry, BUT I would love at the end of the craziest car chase scenes you've ever seen filmed the camera cuts to Bond's eye checking out the rear view mirror and you catch glimpse of a kid in a car seat in the back. You didn't think Bond's car even had a back seat! Of course the kid would be wearing either a leather jacket and black jeans or a suit. And he doesn't have a mom, cause that makes Bond hotter, especially when he is grinding on the dance floor. And it makes the kid look hotter too because you know come summer 2014 there will be Bond movies about the Bond baby grown up and he needs a hot background story.
I actually think all the advisors to the Bond movies are women. They are all sitting around a long shiny white conference table drinking whiskey in red lipstick, cherries of course in each glass. They go through a checklist. They even do the casting for whom the woman is that Bond may or may not fall for. They determine the cars, the clothes, the level of pain he goes through, the amount of skin he shows. It really has nothing to do with men and really is not an action film at all. IT IS a romantic comedy. The love is between you and Daniel Craig and the comedy is the joke that's being played on the dumb date you brought to the movie.
Xoxo,
Joan de Newyark (sent from my Blackberry)
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